:110528: I escaped, for a few weeks. I didn't go very far, but everything is different there. It is physically, emotionally, and intellectually demanding, but my soul is at peace.

This time more than any other, I experienced pleasant week after pleasant week, with my peers consistently giving me and each other exactly what was needed at precisely the correct time.

And I laughed. Harder and longer than I have in a while. Every day.

I am exhausted; I am rejuvenated.

:060806: My captors suggested that I tell some folks a little something about how I feel about them, but without revealing which statement is intended for whom. The letter codes at the beginning of each statement are not initials, but if you think you know which one is for you, you may ask.

AA - I look to you for how to be in the world. You don't have a ready answer for everything -- you have a thoughtful answer for everything. You can think for the sake of thinking and explore the silly side of things as well. Wherever you find yourself, I know that you will spread good in the world.

AC - You remind me when I need it most that my company is desired by someone. You are warm and affectionate and I wish good things for you. Keep yourself healthy and your head held high and you will go far. And keep popping back into my life when I need you most.

AI - You are steady and insightful beyond your years. You have a playful spirit tempered by knowing and employing the appropriate mood for each situation. You can make the most of each situation and inspire others to want to make the most of the situation as well.

AL - Though we are not much alike, we find contentment and comfort in each other's presence. There will be a big hole to fill when you are not around as much as you used to be. May you always be as full of life as you are now, and may you always find true happiness in all that you do.

AR - You have taught me so much, and your style has influenced mine more than even I realize. I had hoped to know as much as you someday, but I don't think that is possible for me. It is comforting to spend time just doing nothing with you. I hope you are in my life for a very long time.

AV - You alone were nice to me one morning when nobody else was. For that I prize your friendship above all others in that group. I cherish your beautiful soul and I want to protect you from anything bad that could come your way. I hope you find your way into my life again soon.

BL - In the beginning, I had such high hopes and definite goals for you in my own mind. As far as I can tell, my plan has worked and you found the kind of happiness I knew you would find rather than focusing on the kind of happiness you would not find. You are strong and confident in exactly the right ways.

CE - You were eerily the one I recognized when there was no one else to recognize. I admire your ability to start over completely when your chosen path no longer suited you. You were open to my dependence as much as anyone could have been, and I appreciated that immensely in my time of need.

CI - Long hours spent, you and I, as other relationships have faded. We learned from each other, and then moved on, but I miss you already. I wonder if I made you as frustrated as another currently does me. You didn't show it much, but maybe I'm not showing it either. Good luck in all that life holds for you.

CM - You are a beacon of all-knowing strength and a symbol of home. You used to frighten me with your supernatural ability to be so on top of everything and have all the answers. It no longer frightens me, but it still inspires my awe and respect. I wish for you all the respect you deserve from everyone you encounter.

CN - You have so much passion and so much to give. You can use your own gigantic personality to make anyone feel comfortable around you. You look for how you can do the most good and have the most fun at the same time. I miss you when you are far away, but I also know you are always near.

CO - You are many things to many people, and I am glad to have been a part of your life. Your ability to put the people at ease who need it most is uncanny. You will continue to touch the lives of many others wherever your path takes you. I hope your path also brings to you those who can touch your life as deeply.

DE - There is something whole about you. You are relaxed and free in a way that few others are, and you make others feel relaxed and free around you. You take advantage of all the wonderful things life has to offer, and there is joy in your spirit. May you spread your joy wherever it takes you.

DO - I have known you longer than most, and you are so easy to spend time with. I sometimes think you would benefit from getting away and starting over, and I think you have enough courage to do so, even if you don't think you do. In many ways, you hold us all together, and I value that in you.

EI - You stuck with something you wanted to change because of me. I'm glad you did. I would never have gotten to know you as well if you hadn't. You grew on me slowly and steadily, and I can't imagine those early times without you. I think of you often and I wish for good things to come your way.

EN - You are beautiful and appealing in a way few others are. You can draw my attention toward you without even trying, and you initially remembered who I was without having any particular reason to. Life will take you as far as you want to go, and I am confident that all of your charismatic qualities will remain intact.

EO - I am always in awe of whatever you are interested in. You can gather so much from your immediate vicinity and use it to make sense of your world. I appreciate that you accept as much from people as they are willing to give and do not expect more then they are able to give.

ER - You magically appeared on day, and it seemed as though you had always been there. You knew how to be and what to say and you put everyone at ease. I have never known anyone with a bigger heart and a stronger desire to give no matter how much you get hurt in the process.

ES - I am always glad when you are around. You are someone on my level that I can talk to, and you appreciate the same things that I do. I hope that people truly understand where you are coming from in the arenas in which it matters most. You have kept me from feeling adrift.

ET - You are a hard one to know, but the more I know you, the more I love you. You put so much of yourself into everything, but so slyly that it is not noticed until it is gone. I did not initially believe that I would grow to think of you as my own, but I have. You generate goodness and harmony.

EU - I have known you for so long and watched your family evolve. We are so different, but our shared history will connect us forever. I value your talents and your love of life and your balance of freedom and responsibility. I hope that your sense of responsibility will rub off on those closest to you.

FU - There is something so beautifully complex about how you think about the world. You are cerebral for the sake of being cerebral, but also because anything simpler would do a disservice to your thoughts. May you continue to delight in finding ways to understand this complex world.

IA - Your reputation preceded you by many years. In that way of legends, I had always assumed that years of absence had caused years of corresponding embellishment. I know now that the embellishment was not false. You are all that they said you were and far more. I'm glad I know you.

IE - You hold within you so much beauty to share with the world. It is great to see you no longer holding back as much as you used to and now you share as much of yourself as you possibly can. I am sad that you live so far away from me now, but you are where you can do the most good from your heart.

IG - As soon as I arrived, you decided that we were going to be best friends. We didn't go to the same school, and we didn't participate in the same after school programs, but that never stopped us. We had no trouble arranging to spend time together. I'm glad you were so bold that first day.

II - You are steady and true, and always up for the same level of activity as I am. You are content to just be without needing any particular diversion, but diversions are fun, too. In an arena where relations run deep, mine with you runs among the deepest. You will always be in my life.

IM - You have strong opinions and a sharp wit. You can be likable and infuriating all at the same time. Though you frequently argue with me, I know that when it comes down to something important, you will always be on my side. I have grown to like you more as the years have passed, and would never trade you in for another.

IN - You are the mother figure for all of us who are too old for mothers, but really still want one around. There is no way to feel but warmth in your presence and sadness in your departing. You are a role model and a comforting inspiration to all who come in contact with you.

IS - You are talented beyond what could possibly be normal, and yet you dismiss your talent with an easy-going shrug. There are so many directions you could go with your life, and so many ways you could be successful. All who encounter you gain some subconscious insight into your wonder.

IT - It seemed so long ago that you were the only one who got it. It continued to seem that way for many years. We have shared some meaningful experiences and laughed until we no longer made any noise. You are passionate and logical in a way that will help you get things done.

KK - I don't know when your view of me changed from being someone who was always around to someone you looked forward to seeing occasionally, but I'm glad it did. Though we don't see each other often, it always feels good when we do. You are beautiful in so many ways, and I wish you beautiful things.

KN - In the time that I knew you best, your life took a couple of sharp turns. One caused some definite growth, and I truly hope the other did as well. Part of me fears that in order to be happy with your new life, you had to lie to yourself a little bit. I hope that by now you believe the lie so completely, you have forgotten that it was a lie.

LA - You had confidence and maturity at a time when no one else dared. You still seem to far exceed your years in having everything figured out. You always treated me better than others in your group would have, and you still do. I hope to run into you again in the future.

LL - I wish more people could truly understand your complexities. You relate so much of yourself to the world around you, and so many people you know only get a glimpse of it. They don't understand that how you feel about the part of the world they know is affected by the rest of it. I love you more than you could know.

LM - How could I have known when we met that we would remain close friends for so long? And yet you remain close by but just out of reach to me. I hope against all hope that you are happy with your life as it stands, and are not still biding your time waiting for it to truly begin.

LN - You get joy out of complexity, but only the type of complexity that generates hilarity. You mock the failings of others not because they can't do something, but because you know they can do it and they just haven't figured it out yet. You can create something intricate and beautiful just because you want to.

LR - You are rational and cerebral in a way I can identify with. I feel like I lost you along the way somewhere, but I will find you again someday. In the early times you always made a point to explain the things I didn't understand when no one else recognized the need for it.

MR - You are a steady ball of bright and happy. You know much about some things, very little about others, and you always want to know more about everything. You can always raise the mood of another to the joyous level of your own with very little effort. May you always find ways for your experiences to teach you something new.

NE - Even with your incredible intelligence and astonishing beauty, you always have a ready compliment for anyone around you. You have strong opinions, but you are not abrasive with them, and you exude confidence and charisma. Spending time with you makes me feel like I have very classy friends indeed.

NI - You are so mature in your demeanor and you have so much going for you. I often wish I could have so much of my life as put together as you have yours. I admire your ability to keep in touch with people you have not seen in a while, and I am happy to be included among those.

NK - I have known you from earlier days, but absence and growth did not change our shared ridiculousness. We have so little in common and so much in common at the same time. I love that you are always up for a little mischief. I hope you continue to float into my life for a long time.

NL - You have been a source of joy for me for longer than you know. What you lack in confidence, you make up for in heart and steadfast logic. You can keep others grounded because you yourself are grounded, and your laugh comes easily and is deliciously contagious.

NO - A spitfire to inspire spitfires. You never hesitated to put me in my place, but my place was never a permanent one. You have so many stories to tell and so much experience to share, and everything seems funnier when you are around. You are one of those who knows everyone, and I am glad to be included.

NU - There are so many reasons I like you, and I have confidence in your grand vision of things. I wish you had as much confidence in my ability to see your grand vision, or at least allowed me enough time to make decisions on my own. I feel like I have lost a part of you.

OC - I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me. You are a source of inspiration and information beyond anyone else I can think of. You have always been there to help me solve problems, and I can't imagine life without you around. Thank you for all you have given me through the years.

OD - You give better hugs than almost anyone I know. You are easy to talk to and I am lucky to have spent so much time in your company. I love how much your face changes when you find something exciting, and I love how much you appreciate a well spent lazy day. I send good thoughts your way.

OE - I knew you back in the day, and I have thought of you often since then. You were not the one I had a crush on, but in retrospect you should have been. Not that it matters one way or the other now, or even mattered then. What was it about you that kept you in my thoughts? I may never know.

PI - I have nothing but fond feelings toward you. You have been an opinionated presence that I can laugh with for many years, and seeing you happy makes me happy. We still need to do some frolicking someday that was planned many months ago but never executed.

RA - You are the only one of your kind I have known, and it gives me a general sense of hope that something in the world is working itself out on its own. You embraced who you were earlier than most, and you were always kind to me. I love that you can be comfortable with many without compromising who you are.

RE - There is something quietly compelling about you, and you use that to your advantage. I love your willingness to do anything for me, but I wonder how much of that is really you and how much is just your persona. Your competence has given me confidence in the competence of others.

RL - Your convictions and enthusiasm run true. You realize that it is far more fun to simply enjoy what you enjoy than to worry about what others might think of your chosen pursuits. I have spent many hours with you discussing subjects which matter so much and yet matter not at all.

SA - I enjoy engaging in philosophical debate with you. I wheedle away at what you think you know is true until you come just a little bit closer to knowing where you stand. You have such an inventive mind, and whatever problem comes your way, you can find a way to solve it with whatever materials are available to you.

SE - I never felt like I was cool enough to truly be your friend, not because you made me feel that way, but because your other friends were all so cool. Even so, we shared a special and meaningful time, and I'm glad I was a part of it with you. There is more warmth in a world that contains you.

SI - You are so thoughtful toward others and you are affected so deeply by the thoughtfulness of others toward you. Unfortunately, you are also affected deeply by the thoughtlessness of others toward you. I wish for you that all you encounter recognize the warmth of your soul and treat it accordingly.

SN - You have an incredible amount of knowledge to share with the world and sometimes you sell yourself short. Have faith that others will look to you for the knowledge you have when they themselves are ready to hear it. Nurture your warm and loving side.

TN - You have so many fascinating facets, that I cannot keep up with them all. It has been wonderful to see you grow powerful and also to break away from your ruts when I never thought you would. The future holds great things for you, and I can't wait to see what all you find out there.

UD - You help me to see my own life more clearly. You affect my decisions, and though I do not affect yours, I am content with having been a part of your life. Your future will take you in directions I cannot follow, nor would it make sense for me to. You are already far more successful than you realize.

VN - You have always been one of my favorites. I don't see you much, but I love seeing what has changed each time I do see you. You have such an incredible imagination and a ready smile and you are so easy to talk to. I look forward to spending more time with you in the future.

WN - There is so much strength in your very presence. I hope you continue to find people who value that strength, draw from that strength, and feed that strength. I always love when the joy of a funny moment erases all evidence of worry from your face and your grin takes over your whole being.

YA - You were a steady visitor when no one else was. I don't know what my appeal was, but there you always were. I wonder if you found what you were looking for. You have always felt a little like someone else's friend, but I'm glad our paths crossed as deeply as they did.

YT - You ask me the hard questions and prod me until I give you complete answers. You always want more from me than I have to give, which frustrates us both, but I value who you are anyway. Reconciling our differing perspectives is a worthy challenge, and we both grow from it in every encounter.

YY - At first, you were too much for me. I didn't know where you came from, and I didn't know how to interact with you. As time wore on, however, you were indispensable to my view of the way things ought to be. We must find more time to frolic in the moonlight someday soon.

ZA - You once said to me, "You're lucky I like you so much," as the justification for not being as annoyed as you could have been for something I had done. I wonder if you know how much that meant to me. I wonder also if you know how much I like you. You were a pillar of charismatic strength when I needed one, and I think of you fondly.

:060210: My captors keep talking about the good old days. There is something to be said for living in the now. There is more to be said for enjoying the now. I listen to people recounting days of yore with nostalgia and longing, and I understand that hearts can be warmed by fond memories – I quite enjoy my fair share of cardio-toasting recollections of my past – but the pedestal is what worries me.

My father is a high school teacher. In the high drama of your typical teenager’s life, the big picture is easy to lose. My father reminds his students, “If high school is the high point of your life, you’re doing it wrong.” Meaning Life. You’re doing Life wrong. High school should not be the best time you ever had. It should not be the greatest, most glorious four years that will ever be. If it is, that means the entire, long, rest of your life never got any better than high school. Think about that. Nothing in your life was ever any better than high school.

It’s not just high school. It could be anything in your life. If you can pick a point in your past that was the best time you ever had, then you should change something in your present or your future. Right now should be the best time you ever had. Make it a never-ending goal to outdo yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to go to dangerous extremes, you just have to find something that fulfills you as much as or more so than whatever you were doing in the past.

Life can always get better than it used to be. If you cling to your past with the conviction that no part of your future can top that time, then no part of your future ever will. You will have become older without having grown.

This past-clingage makes me saddest when it involves me. An old friend will want to reminisce about times gone by. Again, I enjoy the reminiscing, to a point, but when it becomes clear that that person’s life never got any better than that, that’s when I start to become uncomfortable. It’s the pedestal thing, I think. I was a part of something, some time in their life that was truly great. Those were the days. The Greatest Days. When they see me, they are reminded of those, the Greatest of Days. I am a part of their Greatest of Days. Their life has just been a continuation, plodding on with only a memory to sustain them.

But I moved on. I had more great days, even some greater days after that. Those new experiences did not involve that other person. I put that person on no pedestal. Sure, we had some good times together. And sure, I’ll always remember them with a warm-hearted fond glow. But my greatest days are still to come, and they may or may not involve that person. Should I feel bad about that? To me, the other person is a fond memory of my past. To them, I am a pivotal piece of their Long Lost Greatest Time.

This is where my discomfort comes in. Being a part of someone’s Greatest Time Ever is a lot of pressure. They want to talk about it. They want validation that those were the good old days. They want me to agree. “Weren’t those just the best days ever?” “Don’t you wish we could relive those days?” “Doesn’t life suck now that we’re not in that time anymore?” …What am I, as a good friend, supposed to say? Do I lie and say, “yes?” Do I tell them the brutal truth, that the time in their life they believe will top no other was, to me, not all that great in comparison to the things I have done since then?

Clearly I cannot invalidate their Greatest Time, so like a good friend, I lie. I agree that their Greatest Time was also my Greatest Time. I can tell, though, that the most persistent reminiscers do not believe the lie. They want details. They want me to explain precisely how the Greatest Time came to be the Greatest Time, and why it is still the Greatest Time. I cannot provide details because I have none. It isn’t true. It was a good time, but I have no evidence at all that it was the Greatest Time. I don’t believe it. If I did believe it, it would be a depressing Truth to behold. Never any better than that? For all time? I hope I have a good 60 or 70 years left in me. I hope I didn’t waste my Greatest Time Ever already. That would be a whole lot of nothing to look forward to.

Remember the good times. Remember the Great Times. Reserve judgment of the Greatest Time Ever for your deathbed. Hopefully, it will be difficult to choose.